PROG ROCK

That's right kids, prog rock is good for your cock! According to proffessor Hugh Lawson-Smyth, a link has been found between prog rock and love, leading to a higher sexual fontage, and that's official!

A two year study into the relationship between music and love has now concluded that if you 'want to give a bird one!' prog-rock will get her in the mood for IT!

Acccording to the 'progressive Proffesor', choosing the right sort of music after a casual meeting is "...so impotant if you want to get laid. Our studies compared all types of music, ranging from Alpine-horn quartets to Speed-deth megametal thrash-core. Prog came out on top!" he revealed "and what's more, you'll get more from her if you choose the right sort of Prog. It's no good playing a bird ARK if you want her to stay over the night, you're more likely to get just a quickie"

Silhobbit asked the Prof. "What would you get for playing her say, 'Chelsea Monday' by Mariolloin?"

"From our studies, 'Chelsea Monday' would be a good one for a shy bird, with say, little experiance. Its a good ice-breaker. Play it first and then play, say somthing by Gandalf to really open her up a LOT more! If you want more than just a one night stand then I would recommend the sensiousely slushy 'Kayleigh' by Marillion. That would show her that you CAN be caring and romantic, which could lead to a long relationship, like what Steve and Jo Rothery have got. 'Suppers Ready' could put her off oral sex, but she might be willing to mouth you off to The Enids 'Somthing Wicked This Way Comes"' he explained "You see, the beauty of the whole system is that they don't even realise what you're after, it can seem quite innocent to play her a song and subconsciously the mood and the lyrics off the song release the chemical 'ostetrazone', causing her to feel 'ready' without even realising!"

1. In Too Deep (genesis): "She'll beg you to get as deep as YOU can!"

2. Shoot High Aim Low (Yes): "Play this so you can spray her with your sexy, red-hot Jowlett Juice!"

3. The Space (Marilion): "Shes gota sexy love-Space and it's up to you to fill it!"

4. Big Lad In The Windmill (It Bites): "The bird will be gaggin' to find out if you're a BIG lad!"

5. The Enemy Smacks (IQ) : "A good song if your after some romping, stomping, hardcore, sadospanky, hanky-panky!"

6. One Slip (Pink Floyd) : "This will make her as slippery as Fish!"

7. The Whistleblower (Shadowland): "She'll be slobbering to BLOW your WHISTLE!"

8. Wating For The Worms (Pink Floyd) : "She won't be able to resist your very own kinkey-linkv-lovey dovey-spermy Wormy!"

9. The Seeds in Jacks Garden (Mick Pointer): "She'll Jack you off, until your seed begins to shoot!"

10. Get 'Em Out By Friday (Genesis): "Speaks for itself really!"

Silhobbit sent a copy of Prof Hugh Lawson-Smyth's report to our very own reporter Cess Van Der Valke. If Miss Hitchens has a baby in nine months time then the 'Progressive Professor' can surely be classed as a valuable asset to the glorious world of PROGRESSIVE ROCK.