HIROSHIMA HEMPSTEAD
PROG TOWN BURNS INTO THE NIGHT

Go to Your Stories
Barely three hours after returning from IQ's sell-out gig at the Mean Fiddler in London, Silhobbit writers were crudely awoken by the not so delicate sound of thunder. A large explosion had ripped apart an Oil Deport only ¾ of a mile away from the Silhobbit offices. Silhobbit editor Charlie O'Mara exclusively told us that "I thought the world was ending! The sound was indescribable, like the biggest dog in the world going "Woof!". Digby, perhaps. It was the loudest sound that I had ever heard, and when I looked out of my kitchen window, the scene that affronted my eyes was like something out of a Hollywood disaster movie, rather than the tranquil Sunday morning that I had expected!".

The shockwave of sound had been heard across the south of England by millions of people unsuspectingly tucked up in their beds. Or someone else's. If Steve Rothery, of Marillion fame had been at home in bed, in Aylesbury, he would have been shocked pie-less by the sound. Even John Mitchell, if he'd been at home in Reading instead of swanking it up in Belgium with the rest of the Kino boys, would have been scared shitless by the bang. Or if Roger Wilson's brother Steve had been working and burning the midnight oil at both ends in his No Mans Land studios in nearby Boxmoor, he'd've cacked himself.


The view from Charlie O'Mara's kitchen
Our heroic editor quickly changed and joined the growing crowd of ghouls that gathered as near as they could get to the scene of the devastation, hoping for a sight of the growing conflagration, but was turned back by concerned Officers of the Law.

He told us "I explained to the copper who I was, but he told me to go home, sonny boy. I was insulted by his attitude, especially when he then let some sexy looking Sky reporter through, and even told her where to get a cup of tea and some buttered toast."

Early reports allegedly said it could have been an act of terrorism by angry Credo fan or perhaps by Galahad's Progressive Revolutionaries, but they swear blind that there were asleep in Christchurch.

We can also exclusively reveal that there were no updates to the Silhobbit.com site between 7:30am and 8am whilst an evacuation took place. Afterwards, a strange smell permeated the offices.
Throughout the day, a noxious cloud of poisonous black smoke has been spewing forth from the blaze, like an eruption at Mount St Helens, or Vesuvius, or Krakatoa, or something, covering the town in it's black sootiness. We are unsure of it's actual toxicity, but without wanting to scare-monger or anything, we could be looking at millions of dead across the south of England, and even parts of Europe. Wide spread looting has been occurring and a friend of ours had reported seeing people running out of HMV with stacks of CD's under their collective arms, casually discarding Phil Collins box-sets.

Friends have been gathered round my brand-new 50" widescreen television 5.1 surround-sound watching the news unfold this afternoon.

Thousands of local people were injured in the wanton destruction, many, including O'Mara's pop-star cousin Jo, when their windows were blown in by the shockwave of the blast. Scottish proggers Pallas have today told us that they will released a new version of their classic "Paris Is Burning" to help raise funds for her new double glazed windows, that she so surely now must need. Maybe Arena can be persuaded into doing a benefit gig?


Thick black smoke billows from fire and covers the sky in darkness
Map showing the location of the inferno, and the location of the Silhobbit offices. Barely ¾ of a mile seperates the two.

Add yourself to our FRAPPR map by clicking on this link
Local residents have also been panic buying petrol and bread, with local residents comparing it to "the Blitz" and blaming the Germans. Tesco, the nearest supermarket to the disaster zone, and next door to one of the emergency evacuation points, have reported their best Sunday Trading results ever. Other people have been spotted leaving the town in their droves to escape the smell of death and decay that now permeates the surrounding area of this once peaceful town. And news reports today have shown that, apart from a smattering of Prog-celebs and Silhobbit journalists, Hemel is populated by Chavs.
Concerned progger Paul Wiffen, from the aptly named Fire In The South, phoned up a Silhobbit staff writer at 6:20 am to check that he was OK. He went on to tell us that Fire In The South will be playing the following dates:

Sunday January 22nd - The Fox, West Kensington, London W14
Saturday February 4th - Caernarvon Castle, Camden Lock, London NW1
Sunday February 19th - Bull and Gate, Kentish Town, London NW5
Friday March 3rd - The Red Room@The Comedy Pub, Piccadilly, London SW1

We thank Paul, and other like him, especially Julia, all the way from Germany, who have been in touch throughout the day with their well wishes of support. and hope.
Eyewitness videos

Download two exclusive video files of the fire and the aftermath here!

Depot Fire

Smoke Cloud

Another view of the blaze, taken by Moria Falls's Dave White
 

Other Top Celebs affected could be

Steve Wilson - his No Man's Land studio is only 3 miles away
Colin Edwin - lives 2 miles away
Moria Falls' Richard Jordan, Dave White, Glen Sandeman and Miff all still live nearby

Marillion - Mixing at Porcupine Tree's No Mans Land studios 3 miles away
Bob Dalton was working on a DVD here half a mile away - Just TWO WEEKS ago
Ratboy John Beck worked on Tokyo dvd artwork - one mile away
John Jowitt visited Richard Jordan in the 1990's - 1 mile away
Mick Pointer drunk at the Leather Bottle pub - 1 mile away
Nick Barrett - Has visited Silhobbit HQ several times
Clive Nolan worked on Shadowland video early 1990s - 1 mile away
Dave Wagstaff - has been to Hemel on several occasions
John Mitchell - slept in Hemel October 31st 2003 - 1 mile away
 

  
 

Your Stories

email your tales of firey woe to news@silhobbit.com
Jane from Surrey writes:

What a palavar!

Living in Surrey, I wasn't really affected by the explosion but I did wake up around 6.00am to go to the loo - coincidence? I think not! Stories that may be circulating that say the reason for this was my mass consumption of beer at the IQ gig are of course ridiculous.

I have a friend in Abbots Langley, when I phoned him this morning to check he was OK, he told me the blast blew his loft door down. He actually had to get up to close it again. We think his house insurance may cover this non scheduled bit of DIY.

 

Lee Abraham (Galahad) writes:

"I woke on Sunday to the awful news of the blast. Thankfully no-one has been killed as a result although as I made my way downstairs on Sunday to hear the news unfolding on TV, in my haste I slipped on the last step and slightly twisted my ankle which made me let out a slight "eeeaaaooooww". After 30 seconds or so the discomfort passed and I was able to carry on life as Galahad's new bass player fairly normally, the band were pleased to hear; but the threat of that "final step" has now been highlighted to me and my family.

Something good has now come from this disaster, I have erected a small "DANGER - Take Care" sign at the bottom of my staircase. Safety first!"

When asked to speculate upon the cause of the disaster, whether his recent spat with F-R-O-S-T-Y guy Jem Godfrey, Lee elaborated thusly "Perhaps its to do with the Milliontown front cover artwork which depicts a "glowing" figure about to enter what looks like a petrol storage facility!!! Is Godfrey predicting the future??"

 
LittleThommie writes:

What a great disaster, everyone wants to know how it could happen. Well, John Jowitt (IQ, Jadis, The Nudies) messaged us:

"I like walking in the nude so a little fire in the winter is always very beneficial to my old cold bones. But this great fire I had not in mind, just a small one would do. I am very sorry that it got out of control, I was just adding a bit of petrol to dried branches, rubbed a few pieces of wood together (very quick). That was the last I can remember. When I woke up lots of noise and heat (surely this has to be hell) and lots of strange looking guys (which appeared to be firemen). They put me on a stretcher, and I wondered if I still was dreaming. A policeman then arrested me for running (or sleeping) naked.

Luckily nobody suspects me, for the fire, just £50 (fine) for not wearing clothes. So no nudity for me anymore, not even on stage."

We thank John for this revealing story and wish him all the best. And John, no playing with fire again, otherwise there will be no oil left in the future.

 
Nibbsy from Hemel writes:

"Me and my friends missed the Porcupine Tree gig at Cambridge due to this explosion. We where looking forward to this gig and where hugely disappointed to miss it.

I live about half a mile from Buncefield Depot and thankfully suffered no damage or injuries.

However, the plumes of smoke caused chaos on the roads. It took over an hour to just drive to St Albans, and with all the major roads closed we just gave up on going to the gig.

We have heard that they will be returning to Cambridge next year so we will Have to wait until then."

 
Vinnie De Loux from Paris France writes:

La France, maintenant dans l'esprit sa histoire récente, se rend aux Allemands et aux musulmans justes pour être sûre. Tentatives de se rendre à l'échouer vietnamien d'ambassadeur après qu'il prenne le refuge dans McDonald. Et 5am, bloodybigbang Le woke et up, c'est ooh la la et Charlie le Guy Fawkes boom boom. La question pour aucun pays assez idiot de compter sur le Français ne devrait pas être "peut nous comptent sur le Français?", mais plutôt "combien de temps jusqu'à la France s'effondre?" "aller faire la guerre sans la France est comme la chasse allante de cerfs communs sans accordéon. Tout que vous est congé derrière beaucoup de bagages bruyants."

Ou, améliorez toujours, la citation du journal de la semaine dernière de Wall Street : "ils sont là quand ils ont besoin de vous." Seulement une heure et une moitié de recherche, Jonathan Duczkowski a fourni aux pertes suivantes : Invasions des norses, 841-911. Ensuite ayant leur manière avec le Français pendant 70 années, les norses sont subornés par un roi français appelé Charles les simples (vraiment !) qui leur a donné la Normandie en échange pour la paix. Les Normands procèdent devenir juste au sujet de la seule bonification militaire positive en France [ faveur ] pendant des 500 années à venir. Le Mexique, 1863-1864. La France essaye de tirer profit de la faiblesse du Mexique suivant sa rossée complète des États-Unis. 20 ans plus tôt ("halls de Montezuma"). Pas étonnamment, la seule unité pour se distinguer est la légion étrangère française (se composant, par de définition, de non-Français). Initialisé hors du pays sur une année après arrivée. Jungles 1881-1890 du Panama. Unique mais nature combattre, France perd toujours ; le canal est par la suite construit par les États-Unis.

1904-1914. Guerres Napoléoniennes. Si soyez noté que l'Armee grand en grande partie (~%50) s'est composé de non-Français après 1804 environ.

Principalement minorités contrariées et anti-monarchiste. Pas étonnamment, ceux-ci ont exécuté mieux que le Français à beaucoup d'occasions. Le Haïti, 1791-1804. Français défait par rébellion après sacrifice de 4.000 Polonais à la fièvre jaune. Montre une autre règle de la guerre française ; quand dans le doute, envoyez un allié. L'Inde, 1673-1813. Les Anglais étaient bien plus charmant alors des Français, finis vers le haut des vainqueurs. Par conséquent les Anglais sont bien connus pour leur thé, et le Français pour leur gémissement (heu, vin...). Assure 200 ans de mauvaises dents en Angleterre. Guerres de Barbarie, ages-1830 moyen. Les pirates en Afrique du nord harcellent continuellement l'expédition européenne dans Meditteranean.
La solution de la France : payez-les pour nous laisser seuls. La solution de l'Amérique : donnez un coup de pied leurs ânes ("les rivages de Tripoli").

[ l'Amérique ] premières victoires d'outre-mer, gagnées 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-Guerre avec les États-Unis. Les privateers français (pirates de semi-finale-legal) attaquent l'expédition des ETATS-UNIS. Les ETATS-UNIS combattent la France en mer pendant 3 années ; Les Français foudroient par la suite ; place le précédent pendant des 200 années à venir des relations Franco-Américaines. Amarre en Espagne, 700s-early en retard 800s. IQ c'est manifique, c'est le Francais Sophie. Même avec Charlemagne les menant contre un ennemi vivant dans une terre hostile, les Français ne peuvent pas accomplir beaucoup de progrès. Peau derrière Pyrennes jusqu'au jour moderne. Le good job TinaMagenta le not cooking chips et manitinaint, el burnit. Pertes Français-sur-Françaises (devrait être compté probablement comme victoires aussi, juste pour être juste) : 1208 : La croisade d'Albigenses, Français massacared par French. Une fois demandée comment différencier un hérétique du fidèle, Mike Holmes la réponse était "mise à mort elles toutes. Dieu saura ses propres." Leçon : Les Français sont des badasses en combattant les hommes sans armes, les femmes et les enfants.

Massacre De Jour De Rue Bartholomew, Août 24, 1572. De nouveau, abattage Français-sur-Français. Troisième Croisade. Philip Augustus des jets de la France hissy-s'est adapté, croisade de feuilles pour Richard le coeur de lion pour finir. Septième Croisade. St Louis de la France mène la croisade en Egypte. Resoundingly écrasé. [ Huitième ] Croisade. Dos de St Louis dans l'action, cette fois à Tunis. Galahad le snore et vous voller! Voir La Septième Croisade. Devrait également être noté que la France a essayé de cacher derrière la ligne de Maginot, collant leur tête dans le sable et feignant que les Allemands entreraient dans la France qui manière. En faisant ainsi, les Allemands se seraient cassés avec leur itinéraire traditionnel d'envahir la France, entrant par la Belgique (guerres napoléoniennes, guerre Franco-Prussienne, Première Guerre Mondiale, etc.).

Le Français a ignoré ceci cependant, et a mis tout leur effort dans ces défenses.